Currently under construction

I feel like my life currently is under construction, I have kinda lost my way which sucks at 36. I can’t believe at 36 I have lost my way, this is the time of my life where i should have my shit together  or i think i should. When your world gets ripped up side down and you are standing looking at the pieces of your life on the floor, you find yourself wondering whats the actual point. Yet then all of a sudden I have an amazing experience amongst all the shit , my dear friend let me experience the pure joy of her giving birth to a beautiful baby boy. I fell in love with him instantly and my heart felt full, i was amazed at this perfect little being entering the world with such passion and power. Awe inspiring and honestly makes me want to have a baby even more, which i should get on with seeing as i am not getting any younger. Ahhh if only it was that simple, yes for some it is but sadly for me it’s not  i look forward to the day i can say i am going to be a mum, however at the moment while waiting for this i am rebuilding my confidence and life one small brick at a time. I remember when i met people who said they had depression and it never made sense to me, because depression does not only hit those who are broke and living on the streets. Depression hits even those of us whose life seems to together, i don’t want to feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness hit me all of a sudden at the most random times, i dont want to wonder if life is worth it. I feel really overwhelmed, at a cross roads which is scary. I feel rather the lost and i normally snap myself out of it, i normally really easy can snap myself out and find the silver lining but right now i dont feel like i can at all. What a shitty place to be, and the people around me don’t understand, they think its simple. Read a book, watch a good movie, just get out there and on with it, if only it was that simple. All i want to do is hide away from the world and basically run away, because right this moment the world that i call my own is crumbling around me  and i am feeling like i am drowning in a sea of sadness. The worst part of this, is the feeling of never getting out of it, like i will always be stuck in this horrible feeling and that this is my life from now on. I have lost my want to work in my profession which scares me because that’s been my whole life, i lived and breathed it and its not that i dont love working with children, it’s the fact my industry is filled with such nastiness and can be right down evil. Now i wonder if i honestly really want to do this and if not what else can i possibly do? What a scary thought at the age of 36 to think like this, bloody hell i am really overwhelmed and just want to scream….

well I could write a million and one more feelings but i am calling it goodnight.

Peace and love to all my readers, and if you are suffering to let me say i am here for you.

Love Nicole xoxoxo


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